[Jewelry making - Article 01128] - Re: [Orchid] Dear Santa

[Lisa Bialac-Jehle]

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Dear Hans,

    Sigh.....Where do I start? Yes, I have gotten your letters. Avoiding
    you? As if I could. Bribing that stripper to pose as a postal worker
    in 2003 was an original thought. Although most of the elves were
    quite amused, Mrs Claus was not. You should feel truly relieved Hans
    that my position as a "Jolly Old Soul" prevented me from giving you
    the present that you really deserved that year, although my contacts
    in Siberia assured me that you would have had a very pleasant time
    playing their version of hockey. Yes, they would have used you as a
    puck, but really, it would have been an educational experience, and
    you would have gotten to travel! You might have learned something, or
    so Boris assured me. In any case, the abduct....uh...the travel
    arrangements didn't go off quite as planned. That is the only reason
    you did not get a present that year. 

    2004? Hans Hans Hans. You do know I have a list don't you? The one I
    check twice? Well Hans, you are one of the few who have a list all to
    themselves. You, Mr. Pinochet, and Ms. Hilton to name a few. Although
    Ms Hilton is on her second list after all of that Greek shipping
    magnate nonsense this past year. As for you: Switching diamonds,
    gluing stones, threatening exposures etc. These things do not get you
    onto Santa's "nice" list. Besides, with all of the work you have been
    palming out of your employer's cases and selling off on E-bay, you
    could have afforded that welder yourself long ago, if you hadn't been
    forced to use that cash to pay out hush money to Guido, for that
    little mistake with his Boss' wife's engagement ring. Thought I had
    missed that didn't you? Uh uh....Santa misses nothing. 

    Your desperation is getting tiresome Hans. Do you not think I knew
    who sent the "anonymous" letter to the missus suggesting that Rudolph
    and I have more to our relationship than Reindeer and Claus? That
    pointed little bit about how Rudy came to lead the sleigh ahead of
    all of the other reindeer was a little much even for you. Oh yes, it
    confirmed Dancer and Blitzen's secret fears, but really Hans, Rudolph
    earned that spot. After all, he is the only one with the big glowing
    red nose when all is said and done, although I must say, since he has
    laid off of the gin, and at least for the moment joined RA,
    (Reindeers Anonymous...yes, I know I am not supposed to say anything,
    but how could you miss him with that nose and all?) the rosacea is
    much less evident. And no, we don't think as per your letter, that
    his nose is a result of an interspecies encounter between Rudy's mom
    and Mr. WC Fields. That suggestion was truly naughty Hans. A low blow
    even for you. 

    As for 2005??? You have got to be kidding! You had to know that all
    of that machination behind the scenes with poor Ms. Plame and her
    Husband Mr. Wilson was going to blow up someday!! How could you
    Hans? Just because your buddy Scooter paid you extra to get that
    large ruby for his pinky ring, and then found out that you had fobbed
    off a synthetic on him? Not only that, but it didn't take him long to
    figure out that it was a stone that came out of a ring from a gumball
    machine!! That is how you pay him back? Look at him now. As if it
    wasn't bad enough, you thought no one would figure out that it was
    you who originally suggested ...?? Just so that you could get a
    steady supply of gem quality turquoise for your pal Ozzy Osbourne's
    body piercings??? What were you thinking!!??? 

    Listen to me Hans. It is not yet 2006. You still have time to start
    the year right! I know it is you behind the latest Enron twist, but
    you can back out before it gets too ugly. I know you think that the
    boss' daughter will make your life complete, but really Hans, the
    girl is only seventeen, even if you do tell everyone that she is an,
    "old soul". 

    Hansje......Do yourself a favor. Work hard, be honest, live right and
    go straight. There is still a place on the "nice" list waiting for
    you. As things stand now, this can only end badly. When that happens,
    and it will Hans, the only electrical appliance you will be getting
    for Christmas, is several thousand volts courtesy of the state. 

    I, Ms Claus, the elves and all of the reindeer,..........ok, Prancer
    is still holding a grudge about that whip thing,........ but anyway,
    most of us up here at the North Pole want to see that ever growing
    "naughty" list that we have up here for you come to an end. Remember
    Hans, I know when you are sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know
    when you've been bad or good, SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE! You
    better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling
    you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!....and Hans.....despite what
    your letter # 6 insists, that is NOT stalking!!!! Your inability to
    obtain the restraining order proved that once and for all. 

    So to everyone else at Orchid: Merry Christmas, Happy Channuka, Happy
    Holidays!!! If as the latest news down there in the US implies, the
    name ever becomes more important than the holiday, we will all
    totally miss out. After all, what really counts is the joy of the
    season, the love and the giving, (no....sigh....not the taking Hans).
    Family, friends and loved ones. A time to come together, to heal all
    wounds, (Hans!!!! Wounding all heels was never a part of the
    season!!!), to forgive and forget. 

    No Hans, I haven't forgotten yet...... 

    Until next year....... 

    Yours, 

    Santa Claus, ( Its been a long year, are gold prices going down yet?
    Mrs C wants a new necklace.....!) North Pole, Top of the World 

    PS: Have a Happy New Year!!!

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