[Jewelry making - Article 00199] - Re: [Orchid] Need of business advice

[Marty]

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Hello Julia,

    I read your explanation of your dilemma with very much sympathy. At
    first I started thinking about all the legal ins and outs - and I'm
    sure that a lawyer (which I am not) could think of many more. In any
    case, I won't offer "legal" advice for that reason and also, because
    I haven't heard the other side's version. 

    But the fact that this is intra-family rings some bells with me as
    my wife and I have gone through some of this sort of thing. The
    circumstances were different, of course, but what it boiled down to
    was intolerably different views on some issues which, as in your
    case, inevitably involved the grandchildren.  If we adults could not
    agree we could turn our backs on each other and break off contact,
    but then what to do about the grandparents' "rights" or expectations
    of contact with the kids?   And how to explain the break in
    relations to the kids?  For far too long we swallowed a lot of crap
    to protect the kids' relationship with the grandparents and allow it
    to continue.   But after enough of that sort of time had gone by I
    think the whole issue finally became clear in our minds, at least. 
    The kids, who were older than yours, about 3 and 7 years old if I
    recall, were able to see that every contact with the grandparents
    always  involved tensions,pretenses, and  strange behaviours which
    adults would not quite explain to them.   Kids can see a lot.  The
    essential question was whether our primary obligation was to the
    children or to the grandparents?  We did not want to raise our kids
    to be pretenders, to accept bribes from the old folks while at the
    same time hearing their own parents insulted or belittled.  Damage
    was being done to the kids.  The answer was clear. 

    So, at that point I took heart in mouth and pen in hand and wrote to
    the grandparents. That we disagreed about certain issues was
    unfortunate, but  we could not pretend otherwise. The one thing I
    hoped we could agree upon was that the children not be hurt and they
    were being hurt. So for that reason alone I asked them to either
    modify their behaviour, and be clearly seen to do so, or forget about
    seeing the kids again.  I explained it was my simple duty to the
    kids. I had no idea what to expect. Grandfather was a powerful lawyer
    who could make a lot of trouble along those lines if he chose to do
    so.. The upshot was that things got better from that point forward.
    It wasn't simple.  We didn't all kiss and make up like in the movies.
    We never came to a cordial, loving relationship, but they behaved
    fairly from that point forward and until their deaths. Good enough. 

    While your primary issues with your parents revolve around business
    arrangements, you say that because of your child you must speak to
    your parents. I suggest that is not the case (unless you are living
    with them) but what you must do is be allowed to use your skills and
    your accomplishments to raise and protect your child.  You have a
    duty to the child first and your parents second. They may try to
    fill you with guilt, call you an ingrate, who knows what? But I
    don't think they can argue against the fact that you need to support
    your own child as they supported theirs. If this outrages them and
    they don't respond favourably, give it some time. Fortunately your
    child is young enough to be free of expectations and will eventually
    forget and forgive what I hope will be a temporary gap in his
    contact with grandparents. 

    Fortunately, you have the skills to make a living, as far as I can
    see.  You might as well set up shop and begin making and selling your
    own designs, including the ones your parents still sell. Did you ever
    formally sign away your rights to your designs? Here I am straying
    into legal issues but it seems clear to me that nobody can stop you
    marketing your own work. You have a good track record and you might
    find that a bank loan officer would look kindlier than you think upon
    a loan application from you. Use your parents as the major
    references. Ask the banker to  verify the information you give. Let
    your parents choose either to respond honestly when the banker asks
    them to verify your skills and experience,  or let them tell lies.
    But let them understand their legal position too.  They open
    themselves to being accused  of slander or libel if they lie.  I
    think you might as well resign yourself to the fact that you will
    need legal advice in this process if they are utterly unreasonable.
    That costs money, unfortunately, but you must know your legal rights
    and you must not forget where your first obligation is at this time.

    It all sounds like a terrible, wrenching experience and I send all
    my sympathy and hopes that  things will work out OK. Your parents do
    not sound like nice people at the moment, at least from what you
    wrote. But I think if you show them that you are serious about where
    your obligations are, they might come to their senses. I imagine
    your hopes of inheriting the business someday is something they've
    been able for years to dangle in front of you like the proverbial
    carrot. Examine your own expectations about that. 

    When you open your new shop, send out ads to all your old customers.
    Start making a list right now of all the ones you have dealt with at
    your parents' shop.  Let them know, without denigrating the old
    business, that you are now on your own with the same fine work they
    have always loved and admired 

    I have to stop now,so I will. Where are you located? Big city? Small
     town? 

    The very best of luck to you. And,by the way, consider all the other
    advice you will be getting from many other people.  This is just one
    humble and poorly informed response to your situation.  Lots of
    folks are smarter than I am. 

Marty in Victoria

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